The Procrastinator.I.AM.

Dear Aunt Agony,

Why am I always active at night, as in being very hardworking and tend to start my homework late and do the household chores. I do not wish to be like this. Please help!

Sigh, my constant struggles. Maybe my remedy is to enjoy in the day, take my rest and go wild at night. Actually I learn better with a group or really just a friend would do. That's when I really get in the mood. However, taht was not the case when I attempted my Economics homework essay. Till now, I can't believe I'm taking my once 'assumed dreaded' subject.

Just returned from the abyss. Successfully completed a horror movie marathon @ Republic Polytechnic. Damn you kids are lucky, you have a nachos machine in 7-eleven in the middle of Woodlands. Me love Nachos!!!!! Don't look disgusting now then when I first saw it in Azizah's hands! Oh, in case you're wondering, the movies I watched were Black Night, Darkwater (English version), The Omen (Old English version). Also, I don't mind sitting through The Omen again, damn good storyline, wicked killings. Just don't make me watch Darkwaters in Japanese. From the way my friend described it, I don't want to see no decomposed zombie man. That would be horrid!

You guys should be watching all of Rusell Peters stand-up episodes on Youtube.com. Got me thinking and creating whack-shit out of other people. Though I do it in discreet, I'm no stand-up.
Now, I'm watching all of Black Eyed Peas videos and LIVE performances. I"m so BEP addicted right now I tend to MC when I talk.

Alright, I'm out.

written on 11th August 12.10am.

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 11:29:00 PM

Répondez s'il vous plaît to the email from SMRT. I have a partee at City Hall with my hommies next week, I guess, and I can-not wait! Besides the companionship, I can enjoy meeting people, maybe win some more lucky draws and MAKAN!

Then there's BUSINESS to tend to. Should not be dragged by people,rather I set my own destination.

Read so many articles of famous people, got my mind thinking.

Now, I'm seeing 2 big men hosting AIM. Yeah, they okay, but considering their size, scary! Coincidentally, Suhaimi Yusof presented his weight loss program on Suria. Yeah, we Malays are gaining weight, better watch that scale!

Let me hum a song I always sing when I'm down

hum hum hum hum hum hum
hum hum hum hum hum
hum hum hum hum hum
hum hum hum hum hum humph

Haha, gdnite!

written on 9th August 2006, Happy Birthday Temasek!

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 10:32:00 PM

KUZCO....waha!

Okay, first and foremost, it's been a gloomy and sad plus painful week.
Start of the week, was plain sweet, oh-so-sweet! MI Floorball Girls won all 3 prelimenary matches! Then came Wednesday, it was reality that was too hard to swallow. We came out 4th in that competition, and it proves just too many things. It does not do justice to anybody. Still, I like the phrase, "The ball is round, the game is fair". So congrats to the other teams. As for me, I was in the playing field just not to make mistakes, do all I can and really have fun. I really love goalkeeping now, it was actually inspired by my senior. Forgot her name now, but she was this sweet, quiet little girl who made us players feel safe when she magically catches the fast balls! No, she was no national player, ziltch in experience also, but she had raw talent. Right on! After the Semis and 3rd placing match, I had a total freak incident. My right eye nearly got hit by a fast ball, just missed it by a few centimetres. Now I have a small darkblue dot near my eyebrow. Couldn't open my eyes right after the shot, I was scared and in pain. Hey, I won't cry so bad if it didn't hurt so much okay. I was down and out, kept thinking if it was really me who got hit. I wasn't afraid of the boys playing before, I thought they were just goofing around. Reality hit really hard this time. Thanks to my mates and loads of ice packs. Else, I would be crying even longer, deciding what to do. Was thinking how I was to get home.
Then came Friday's tragic news. My mom told me to go read the front page, she was joking about some comedy series, especially emphasizing 'The Unsangkarables'. Then I asked her, was it a good/bad thing. She said it was bad, then I had to read the news. My favourite comedian, Ishak Ahmat passed away in Jakarta. I was shocked but I was ready to accept his passing. You have to go on someday. Also, I read about the floorballer in coma story. I was especially touched by that story and her eventual passing because she was there warming up alongside all the other floorballers. Saw her collapse and in coma. She was in a good family, nice girl who loved sports. You're back now.

As of now, my stomach is just content with Pizza Hut and lotsa meat! On my way to recovery, still coughing badly. Can't wait to finish my medicine and I love being on medication, don't get to say that often. I love me!

written on 15th July 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 11:17:00 PM

~Shall add 'Internal Conflicts' on the bar on top.

Oh glory to FRANCE! The Soccer team I support. Just 'support', but till now, know nothing of the players and history of the team. I know, what a disgrace and such an embarrassment, but my mind can only hold so much. What made me smile a whole day was that they beat thee no.1 squad, BRAZIL. Yeah, boo-hoo, go on, WEEP! Let me be in this one sadistic moment where I see ya'll crumble to your knees, with ya'll face all shocked saying why OH WHY Henry must you lift your leg to volley that ball in!!! Still, gut feeling tells me they won't win WorldCup. They could be underdogs coz there hasn't been much hype about the team but all the buzz about the legends not wanting to step down. Ya, sad that after the last world cup where these GREATS were at the top of their game, they are now bombarded by countless remarks that has tarnished their reputation. My guess would be GERMANY to kiss that gold cup this time. Not only they have the advantage of Home turf, but I kinda like the new coach. Of course Ballack is my key player, I'm actually more disappointed that Oliver Kahn is not in the starting line-up and no longer holding the title 'captain'. Those were the days man, he made headlines!

I just read an article about MINAHS in Berita Minggu(Do you like the new template? I think it looks like the Malaysian Berita Harian. Looks old school, it's okay and anyways my eyes have accepted it.). So many types of Minahs like minah motor, minah tayar, minah rock, minah high maintenance, minah hip-hop, minah bimbo, minah ferring. Minah motor is fine with me coz they're tough and minah hip-hop is kinda like me. What made me laugh was minah bimbo, minah high-maintenance and minah ferring. As most of ya'll know, I now wear the tudung for personal and religious reasons. When I read the minah ferring part, I heaved a hugh sigh of relief as I'm not taken as one of them as I don't chase guys and I don't dangle any earrings. Looks and sounds wrong, anyway, bottom line is, NOT COOL! Look cheap and desperate, not to mention, also stupid. Same goes for the others, I don't hook up with many guys and talk bull. If you got nothing good to say, shut yo yap, it 'sounds' better in fact. Yes, I cannot deny that I am influenced with the western culture. I like rap music, hip-hop culture coz I find it cool, slick, smooth. I got bits of goth in my salad days and I still appreaciate rock music. Black Eyed Peas and System of a Down are my top acts. The greats are like U2, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and sexy is soo J.lo and Kelly Clarkson. One thing they have in common, they sing good. Let me just list my fav actors and actresses. Sir Ian Mckellen, Johnny Depp and Viggo Mortensen are my leading males and Liv Tyler, Keira Knightney, Natalie Portman and Jessica Alba are all hot and can act decently. Now where is Jorah Ahmad, haha. Nah, must give a tip to that lady, she act good but if you put her with me, I'm guessing we'll ignore each other, personality clashes so bad. She's too drama-mama emo for me.

There, 2 good topics. Let me make myself Milo and mug somemore. Got 2 major things in my head, Mid-Years and Floorball 'A' Divs. I'm now under the weather a lil' bit, must take care of myself. Good night.

written on 2nd July 2006. Happy Youth Day!

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 10:59:00 PM

Cheesecakes! Just wanted to say that.
2 more hours till turndown, I wonder why I'm torturing myself. Need to study, it is a NEED! Anyways I've napped for 2 hours, so it Is fair.

For those who know me, now I've restructured my schedule to make myself sit in front of the computer at 11pm daily. Mainly to check Monday mails, Tuesday 4e1, etc...I've got that covered. Oh such a wonderful idea. Yeah, sometimes I think too much. Excess of omega-3 fatty acids I guess. Waha!

Right now I'm currently plugged to my headphones 2 hrs daily, an addiction. A bit scary. Don't worry, I know my volume limits. A movie buff and depressed soccer fan. Didnt buy World Cup Premium, unable to support FRANCE! Yet, still sad Ballack was out coz of injury and Oliver Khan didnt start play. Gotta get the jerseys, Daddy, show me the money! haha. Typical teen, I know. Been pondering whether to work again. Hate it, urgh. Don't mind fast food industry though pay is little, but get to satisfy customer's hunger. haha. Soo want to be in the travel industry some day. Very soon. My project now is to get anywhere outta Singapore just to explore. Always had that instinct, never acted on it. Ho-hum.

I'm praying for the speedy recovery of my uncle who's been in Changi General Hospital as of Friday, 8th June 2006. Looking back, that leg sure looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin but that man is one lucky guy. Well at least he got cable tv, should be able to make it through the day.

Very frazzled now. Jill Quek's training made my muscle go into DOMS! Haha.
Gd nite.

written on 14th June 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 11:52:00 PM

"I think I think too much"
That was what I told my mom this morning. From a simple thing of buying Milo, I had to pen down a list of things to do after buying Milo. I was thinking about meeting Hafiz and Diena to register for the SMRT Challenge and arranging tings to do after that. My mind was on overload and on top of that I was messaging people. Most of them couldn't understand what I was trying to say. Then I had to apologise to them sayiung I was hungry, hadn't had my breakfast and had to rush. Yeah, my friend Diena knows that I had to pen stuff down even before I go to bed. I guess I never really do change. Hmm, come to think of it, whom did I get that habit?

Okay list of things to look forward to (Here I go again..)
*Rollerblading sundays - with Iman tomorrow
*Wedding @ Yishun - Get to meet my lovely relatives and cousins - these are occasions I look forward to
*SMRT Challenge 23rd July
*Pirates of the Caribbean
*Floorball 'A' Divs, lets let them eat dirt
*Terry Fox Run 2006
*SYF Opening - I'll be marching with a flagpole
*Fredrics Farewell
*Badminton with LMH and Stephen

Yeah, and hopefully a next 4e1 meeting. Always love that!
Okay, yep that's me.
Oh btw, I was walking to Northpoint the other day when a group of Ahmad Ibrahim girls were talking about Singapore Idol. All of them loved Paul Twohill and Rahimah Rahim. I'll agree to them but I'll also add Johnathan Leong for he sang Gone by Matchbox 20, an all time favourite of mine. Yep, that man got taste. Uh huh.

written on 3rd June 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 8:08:00 PM

This week, I had a craving for DOUGHNUTS!! Yum! My Favourite ones are Chocolate Riced-Chocolate coated Doughnut and Peanut-Chocolate coated Doughnut. I love Munchy's Doughnuts! Available at selected 7-eleven outlets. Mine was at Plaza Singapura. Such a chocoholic!

Speaking of which, this week's Bladezter's Chocolate Choice Award is Duplo from Ferrero. With its whole Hazelnuts and heavenly smooth chocolate and crispy wafer middle, it brings you all the way to choco-heaven. Priced at $1.55 from Cold Storage, you just have to grab one!

The next Chocolate day is FRIDAY! It's just my weekly appreaciation to great chocolate and to try new chocolate. If I do get to buy some gourmet chocolate, I'll most probably brag about it coz it'll burn a hole in my pocket.

Next up I have cranberries! I'm only talking about my favourite bread, Sunshine Fruit & Grain Bread! I'll have it for supper and breakfast. It's just so irresistable.

Hohoho. I can be a food blogger! Such joy from my tastebuds down to my tummy! Yummy! --

written on 30th April 2006. Happy Birthday Mr Roslan!

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 11:16:00 AM

Soul searching myself. Can't believe I'm going through all this again.

Ooo, I wanna say something positive. I shall chat with friends and old friends and take time to regain friendships. Coz I found out that that's the stuff that matters most, close relationships that are fostered gradually.

Also making the effort to learn a new word everyday n squeeze in time for the newspaper. What am I doing, so totally me in a freaky way.

I need my coke, snickers and rollerblade. That's the way I detox. My goodness, just a month into school and all the crazyness in the world is showing its stripes. Then every morning I'd be thinking, is this the way to school. I don't know my direction anymore.

Yet everyday brings hope and hopefully peace and joy. I feel great seeing smiles and the usual Hi's and Bye's as I get to know new people and welcome them with open arms into my life.

Well I wasn't expecting it to be easy, but with an open mind, hopefully things will work out all right.

Gd nite.

written on 17th April 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 10:44:00 PM

I'm looking myself at the mirror time and again and saying, hey this is me and I can't change much of me.

Some people never really do change. As for me, I change for the better.

Yes change takes time. It doesn't happen overnight and I understand that.

In another light, I find people to mirror or otherwise convince people to mirror me. Why me? The answer is I know my strengths and weaknesses and I want people to know what makes them strong inside.

People, we can all do this. Have faith, fight the odds and believe.

I might be just filling the space or answering requests about my idle blog, but this was an inspiration at night. Have a good night!

written on 16th April 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 11:09:00 PM

Today I'm going to one of my favourite hangouts - Kallang- to catch Disney on Ice with my youngest brother, Iman.

I'm so excited, I know. Hope they sell churros with lotsa cinnamon.

Besides that hype, yesterday I went to Orchard for the Seventeen magazine roadshow. it was fun and cool but really i was expecting more. Maybe the date was not appropriate as it is a workday. Met Diena and Jane so we hung out. It was cool. They were hot. We played the stage games and won! So no one left empty handed. Denise pulled me up stage for a makeup showdown. She's a good make-up artist, gotta give her that. Yep we won. Kudos to her. Really all I did was act and look pretty. The other group of ladies just lacked the X-factor. Muahah.

Work is done. I've got no business there. although I might come back once in a while just to check out the scene. Really it's pretty exciting everyday coz there's so many people to watch and look out for. Some are really mean but once you've met the nice ones, you just feel like flying. I don't know exactly what I'm describing coz my mind is really somewhere else now.

Oh, I wanna check when exactly I can sign up for my driver's licence. Thinking of going to the Halal Food Expo. I wanna eat my way to tummy heaven.

Okay so here's my blog. School will be another new and exciting chapter in my life for another 3 years. Haven't made any solid friends yet, too early to tell. Maybe just one.

written on 16th March 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 12:12:00 PM

I'm still the Girl Blader from the North. That was how I introduced myself to my group mates during orientation. Do I like orientation? Loves it!

Millenia Institute, my second choice out of the 12 choices I had to make. Yep, I was afraid of choosing schools and even worst, checking my posting results. (But) I'm glad I am posted there. I was meant to go there. Since secondary school I wanted to do A levels and do sports and go far. 3 years in MI won't be that bad, I'm loving it already. My CCA of choice is floorball coz I told myself It'd kill me if I wasn't out there running, sweating and competing. The adrenaline rush just feeds me. I like that.

I'm also happy for my friends, wherever they are. Fitrah in AJC, my fav neighbourhood JC, Alex in Temasek JC and everyone else. Those who appealed, good for you, hope is still there coz so many people posting in and out of JC, poly and MI. so you still have a fighting chance. I'm gonna work very hard, mostly for myself. I will not be gotten, not in school nor at work.

Work now there's lotsa China workers, so I better pack up fast coz it's even more difficult to talk to China people. I don't know Chinese!!! Still learning.

Tip: Pick up wordsearch books coz they have a whole vocabulary of every topic. Try PuzzleGems from Popular bookstores!

Gd nite.

written on 8th March 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 9:53:00 PM

I have sudden fears. Okay, attack me.

I just watched Batman Begins and I love it! Maybe that could explain the first sentence. Oh what am I saying.

I miss school, badly. I need to get education or I'll suffer at work.

Work is suffering, for the normal. I try my best to make it fun. They are old people, working for their families. I'm a kid, working for the loot. That is all. The experience has to come before the stash, that's normal. So I went through it and I don't like it.

Well I like the coffeeshop people. Have seen lotsa couples here and there, mostly married. I thank god for saving me a teen boy, my age. At least I could relate to someone and he's intelligent. That's a compliment.

I have not been writing. I've been busy going out, being a good daughter, sister, cousin, grandaughter, friend, worker.

Okay, I need to sleep. I wanted to shoot about my co-workers and supervisors, but they are actually nice people. Just much older, with spouses and children and it freaks me out. I can't relate to them coz I'm very young in their eyes. So that's my drift. I just want them to loosen up, but they can't, they lead serious lives, supporting their family. Something only time can teach me. So, know the importance of being young and don't grow up too fast you barbie dolls!

I'm currently writing a story about the characters in my workplace. Oh you cannot find these people nowhere.

written on 2nd Feb 06.

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 12:10:00 AM

I've been long gone. Hi everyone.

So far been busy and tired at work. When there's no work, I'm just being a novice gourmet, trying new food - mainly fish and lotsa chocolate sundaes. Yum! Cable TV has changed my lifestyle. My late nights have been exciting and anticipated. I love Discovery travel and living, Starworld, AXN, MTV and E!, it's crazy. My new laptop is sweet and my handphone is a bit of a bugger. Have to get used to all this technology, no wait, I breathe gadgets. I read the reviews all the time. Oh but nothing beat my baby in red, scarlet, my Gameboy Micro with, wait for it, GTA! My dream come true. All that hardwork shopping at Lucky Plaza was worth it.

Creepy things at work. Got to get used to Malaysians speaking malay and playing poker, coz I check almost 10k cards per day. Whenever I go out, I'm just afraid of bumping into any of my colleagues. Just don't want to be reminded of work, that's all.

Oh now I rent and rate DVDs! Love it. I'm living my dream but it's kinda tiring.

Word: I love Breeks! I love my cousins! I love tourism! I love people! Oh and Mafia!

written on 19th Jan 2006

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 9:18:00 PM

Life has changed so much.

When I was young, family was such an uncool term. Instead, it was friends and I would spend my weekends with them.

Now, I'm going everywhere with them. Lunch, shopping, work - everything! I love them a lot and what's not to, we all totally 'click'.

Yes I know I've not been updating for a while. That's coz I've been tired after work and when I've my days off, I'd go out and party! Busted $100 on a single shopping trip. Don't worry, I didn't waste it.

Prom night was sweet. More hectic in the morning as I was calling a million people! The hotel people and event organisers. Not to mention answering all the queries that came shooting my way. I would like to thank my cousin, Aishah, for the magical makeover. You rawk! Can't believe I came all dressed up. Better still I had a partner. *Croons* No dancing, not because I have 2 left feet but because my knees was bleeding badly because of a recent fall and my gown was heavy. Don't mention the wig, it took a toll on my neck. Ouh. Actually I was more concerned of hygiene. ahaks. I was more busy posing for photos and momentos with almost everyone! The disco songs were very tempting so i just tapped my feet and sang along. Grrr.... It's okay, I'm not much of a party girl. Went home with Alex, Luqman and Namazie. Poor him, his left arm broke.

Work at Changi Motorola Eagle Warehouse was different. firstly, I couldn't believe I was actually working and eating in canteens. Secondly, I was facing married men. Mostly in their 30s and the types who were constantly looking for young girls to tease. Only a good few could be respected especially the security guards at the guard posts. If not for them, I don't know what I'd feel about men again. Also try to imagine 3 men whistling at girls like us and blasting love-rock music. Still life was good and gave me good friends and nice makciks. They were the reason I survived. I really learnt a lot and the experience will not be regretted. I've learnt so much, only that I have to constantly read up or my IQ levels will fall drastically. Work is so practical and only the strong shall survive. Be good to everyone and ignore the disgusting men. Oh, there were many eye-candies. The guys in my factory are all good looking. I have to behave. Who needs them when I've got mine.

Okay I need to recollect my thoughts. Gd nite and I thank my lucky stars.
written on 10th Dec 2005.

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 8:15:00 PM

Hi. Was just reading my previous entries. I'm still feeling the same as the previous entry so don't bother asking me for updates. I'm with family most of the time. Sorry guys and gals in school
:( But hey, we still see each other in school rite?

Hari Raya is here. Yippy-yayo. Not. Sorry Liya and all my other cousins. Didn't get to see you on the first day and take lotsa photos with our nice Kebayas and what nots. Miss ya'll very much.

Don't fret. I will still find time to go visiting your houses. Must attack the food. Haha!

Aight goodbye.

written on 5th Nov 2005.

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 6:10:00 PM

Tell me, tell me. Is life just a playground?

Heard of that before? Heck it's from tv!

Hmm, there's 2 points in that, me and my involvement with the blading community. I'm a bit of the goody-two shoes. Could fit in if i could have those late nights and can sport Adidas Bras in town. I'm not so innocent lah, I just follow rules and I know my stuff. I'm true to myself and I'm not very rebellious. Yeah, I guess that's why I don't stick it with the blading community. My excuse, exams. Bleah!

Then I've got some issues that have not settled since 89 and I dislike it very much. He won't change and I don't like talking about it coz I'm repeating the same ole stories about the same ole man and it's making everyone sick to the bone. My dad just won't come to the maternal side for Hari Raya this year and unless he's overseas like Fitrah's dad, he's got no reason not to be there. With ego levels running at an all time high and the pregnant women pouring in some spice into this 5-person relationship, this couldn't have been better. I'm a wreck, the family is crazy but still, in true Suhaila style, it's better to shut up and ignore. Thoughts are running wild in my head. Trying to figure out how to make this family work. Only the big man up there knows how I feel. Let me give you a vision on this - imagine being at your grandparents house where all your relatives are there and almost every year, your dad isn't present. I felt awkward, embarrased and down-right sad. That's how a little girl would feel. (Erm, pun intended I guess~)

I think one of my roles on earth is to make my family happy and to keep things together. For now, I love my grandfather to bits and all I want is to talk to him everyday. I dearly miss my late grandmother. I also appreaciate the support from all my aunts, uncles and cousins. They are thee best! Oh yeah, all from my maternal side please. The other side needs a lot of restructuring. Good night.

written on 30th Oct 2005.

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 11:25:00 PM

There's something about the month of Ramadhan this year for me. For one, it brought me lots of challenges, new one's that I've never tackled before. The hunger and thirst is no longer an obstacle, I have survived a PE lesson while fasting. (That was before Ramadhan). I've been in an out of hospitals and going to and fro my grandfather's place, always looking forward to every visit because he would get all excited when I'm around. I also enjoy talking to him. The man still has his hat full of jokes. He is my inspiration and my symbol of happiness.

This Ramadhan, I am sad. I pity my mom having to go through her morning sickness, the tortures of housework and being a wife-cum-mother. It must be very hard for her as she's pregnant and going through her phases in life. Then I have my father who has this outrageous temper. My brothers are a handful but at least they do not give me any problems coz if they do, they'll know what's coming - a wedgie! My grandfather always looks forward to my visits and I try my best not to disappoint him. As for me, my big exams are coming and I'm still a wreck. Very stressed, not only from the studies, but more from family.

On the other hand, I am forever thankful to God as my maternal family have grown so much closer. This bond is no overnight magic. It took my whole lifetime to get to this stage where we can cry openly, talk crap, gossip and even go out together. Best part is that we always have fun and good food whenever we are out together. Not forgetting the great shopping escapades till late. Oh nothing could replace that! My aunts and uncles are my supporters right now. They are all so rawkin sometimes I do not know how I got to know them. Let's not forget the cousins who are forever young and caring. We share our experiences and even have similar tastes and interests.

Yesterday my mom admitter to KKH and I was shocked, but I gave her the same 'Okay, cool' tone. Can't deny my pupils grew bigger and my heart skipped a beat. Then things went so slow for me as admin stuff took a long time to process and my dad gave us problems. When will the man repent.

Okay that killed the mood. Good night and till Hari Raya.

written on 21st October 2005. Happy Birthday Jacob!

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 8:43:00 PM

Mad, keep thinking about smoking. Never before, must be influential.
Actually must be patient. Life's hard tumbles takes a toll on this tiny fish. So tiny that at 16 I'm still like this. Nevermind, it's called unique.

I might be at break point or not I do not know. However, I know that my ties with family have grown stronger and weaker at the same time. Let's ignore dad for a moment and concentrate on the good-hearted souls around. Meanwhile, I shall pray for the volcano to calm down. Exams right now are like dodol, nothing as serious as family problems.

Thanks to the Uztaz over the radio before Break Fast today. Said something about being very patient with life's challenges or you're considered weak. I have to be on top of my boardgame.
I AM THEE COOL CAT! Nothing comes cooler than me! Coming from my dark past, I'm just happy to be staying put in Yishun. Can't imagine me running elsewhere, though I can be very good at sneaking. Small sizes has it advantages you know. What makes it lethal is that I'm not afraid.

Oh what am I saying, part truth. I'm just tired. However been crazy singing malay songs from M.Nasir, Black Dog Bone and Jamal Abdillah. Are you feeling me??? These are the legends! Apart from Ramli Sarip who really knows how to rock (check out his hair!), I am an adoring fan of these singers/band since young. I'm still young but what made me sing their songs(especially Jamal's) is because my late grandmother liked him too! Yeah grandma, we watched Jamal on TV right! That was so cool, in my opinion, better than any Black Eyed Peas concert!

Okay I'm keeping myself busy, I guess. Went to grandad's place at Teck Whye after school. Seldom do that last time. It's just a lesson I learnt from her departure, that time spent is gold and be thankful for those still around. Must keep my family circle together and even better, expand it this raya! My mom give up walking around during raya this year. Said she was too tired. So okay, I told her I go visiting myself.

I'll stop here, exhausted. Gd night.

written 12-10-2005

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 9:31:00 PM

If I were to tell you I'm stressed, I'm being very honest.

I've never been so stressed up in my life. Not blaming my late grandmother because it is god's will and I thank him for bringing my grandma home in peace.

Just after that whole episode, my life just crumbles. The headaches and the heartache are sometimes to much to bear. Heck I'm even avoiding people because I'm too tired to talk or just don't feel like talking to anyone.

This is my depression and I know I have to overcome it. Yep sometimes I play it cool but when I leave the classroom, especially during recess, something is amiss. Times like that when I really have to talk to somebody. Talked to my teacher and rant about my dad. Talked to my uncle telling him i'm stressed. It's as if i can't handle my own life anymore. Yet I try to study by staying back after school to finish some assignments. That's the advice I have to follow to get my revision back on track.

I'm sorry but i'm not looking forward to Hari Raya because I can't hide the tears. These days I cry at the mosque and especially in class. What have I become. Pull yourself together!

At home, ignorance is bliss as I'm not talking to dad. I worry about grandfather's safety and his health. Really, I just want to move into Teck Whye right now, study there and still come to school. That's what I want. Then I worry about my mom. Worried about myself. Exams coming, I'm still a wreck, but I'm worse right now.

God, please show me the light and I'll follow.

written on 10th Oct 2005

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 7:25:00 PM

I am now only 99% complete. The feeling is wrong and it hurts. Mom told me I lost a friend to talk to. Yep, I always talk to her. Actually always caught in the middle of small quarrels with datuk over dinner. That was fun.
We're all mourning and me and mum, crying at home. I feel the urge of staying with datuk for as long as I can. My heart is just not in school anymore. It needs to be softened and family is my nourishment. Sometimes when I go to school, I cry. Then I nearly walked in front of my teacher's car cause I just wanted to feel pain. I punched the school's pillars a few times. I'm just afraid of doing anything stupid. Oh the pain.

written on 7th October 2005. Happy Birthday Ed!

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 5:48:00 AM

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 8:10:00 PM

Woot!! The Peas were back and with a heck of a gig! They were so pumped up from start till finish and I just don't know where to begin.

There's just one thing that bugs me, the groupies sitting next to us (me and my bro). There were trigger happy with themselves and talking crap about the Peas. Very annoying people, slipping in and out of their seats. (Thay had to walk past us to get out, they had corner seats.)
So yup, that's the bugger.

Then when I read the news, they reported that the Peas were clearly Jet-lagged. I won't blame them considering their crazy schedule. I had fun anyways.

(..I'll continue later, gotta go to school.)

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 6:00:00 AM

Shackedelic.i.am

Waiting for Prelims to be done and over with. Studying hard for it. I'm good at E-maths that its now called Emazing!

Found out that blogging improves my language to an extent.

Still loves tea.
Mad about McCafe.
Loves to rollerblade alone especially in the east coast.
Mad about guitars, been playing System of a Down every night.
Contacting my cousins often.
Obsessing over Black Eyed Peas. Anticipating their return concert here. Wondering what will happen. This virgin concert go-er.
Eating considerably well, yet this lady said I was getting skinnier. You give the verdict.
Re-started doing crunches before bed.
Finding out who in the book is the Half-Blood Prince. I know I'm slow. Don't hint me.
Complications in the womb. Wonder who is pregnant.
Mad-ass chick.
Apprentice and Who's line is it anyway? is my Sunday TV.
Miss Saturday Spiderman already. Dang.

Okay I dished out for this week. That was 5 minutes with me.

written on 10th Sept.

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 1:23:00 PM

Before I write this, mood check: Honestly I'm pissed, trying to be patient and very, very sad.

This entry is titled 'Influences' because I don't know if I have that power to influence people but I know I get influenced so easily. Good thing is I take in the positive 'chi' more. Reason is simple, I'm not getting any younger everyday so it's only best that I change myself for the better and learn from people. When you grow older, you're supposed to mature and embark on the journey to discover the mysteries of life.

Now, I think that I'm glad to say that I bleed for my family more. Reason being I know they will always be apart of my life, will never shake off from me and I would be ever so happy to know all the extended relatives.(Okay, that last part is not really associated to this entry at all.) The other party called 'friends' is the ever changing people in my life that will always appear in open inverted commas. To me, they are by far the most influential people in my life that have wrecked me countless times, just have not gotten their heads banged yet and are just too many to make great miracles. My own 'learning' took me a lot of time. I think I have done my part as a physical form of a 'friend' because I spoilt birthdays before. Big bummer for me coz I hated the feeling of forgetting a 'friend's' birthday. Actually it's the spiritual feel that isn't right. I don't see an emotional connection with a 'friend' which is making me a cold-blooded person inside and very incomplete. Still I am patient and hopeful to find just one true friend.

I read the same stories everyday. Stories that I find so familiar, yet so, so dumb that it becomes a waste of my time and I feel sad that it's wasting theirs. Okay, let me put it again, it's not a waste of anyone's time because that is thee learning process, which is me reading the ever so familiar life stories that I have been through from other people and them learning step-by-step why it is like that and to finally know what is to become of it. I would like to play the role of a white dove here, an apprentice white dove.

Still, there are times when I smile to show support and know that there is still a glimmer of hope that lies within that person whom I'm reading their blogs. These small and physically seen traits of the people who have great talent that I will never have [but can always develop]. How I wished they never strayed. I guess it's all in the mind, body and soul.

I'm pissed because they never change.
I'm pissed because they have seen, but not followed.
I'm being patient because the other first lady in the house is going through cramps.
I'm being patient because I know things will turn out right.
I'm angry because they have strayed and I've not done enough to help.
I'm sad because they are apart of me and I want peace.
I'm sad because I love them all.

Then there are the questions:
Why find 'the one' now when you know he'll be coming?
Why fight when all you had to do was to be patient and reason out?
Why hide the facts when you know the people around you care so much?
Why hide the guilt and still continue doing the same thing and feel guilty about it later?
Why do I still love them when I know they have done wrong?

Why do I still love myself when I know I've done wrong? It's because I've moved on and is willing to change, for the better.

I don't like to be straight to the point in my entries because most of it are like [hopefully]'You get what I mean' types. That's my problem, I never phrase my sentences to make it sound like
it make sense. [But] Just to let me know that someone out there is reading, it would be nice to hear comments or questions like 'What were you trying to say?'.

Anyways, I know I have said my peace and I will be expecting things. Gd nite.

written on 4th September 2005.

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 8:43:00 PM

My feet is sore.argh.

Just came back from school. Didn't plan to revisit my primary school this year. Wonder why. My only excuse are the security guards. Ho-hum. We'll meet again some other day.

To me, exams dampened my teacher's day mood this year. Strange that I felt all hyped up about it just last night. Rehearsal after rehearsal. It was fun and all that practise made my limbo better, I think. I just like the fact that this teacher's day meant something to me. Hopefully the feeling is mutual with the teachers and my classmates. I had fun.

On certain days, I would see this happy family, just the three of them, walking together to work and to send their daughter to school. I admire that family. The girl just talks to her dad so lovingly, it makes me think of my own family situation. Can say I have not found true happiness yet. What's more the daughter is about the same age as me, which makes her a teenager. Meaning their relationship is solid coz I find it hard to talk to anyone at home. Maybe its just me.

Now, I'm just religiously reading Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince every night and flipping through magazines while blasting System of a Down in my stereo, erm, CD player. Can't wait for the Black Eyed Peas concert on the 20th of September and the adrenaline of doing my exams during Hari Raya. It would be a bummer, but it would be well worth the sacrifice. I guess my daily routine is eat, sleep, study. Putting on many different hats at a time is really difficult. I'm trying my best to strike a balance between study, play, family and religion. I've got 24 hours, ready, get set, GO!

PS: If you know of any mafia movies, please do tell me the title because I intend to collect them. Thanx.

written on 31st August 2005

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 1:34:00 PM

I've got many other things to do that is far more important than blogging, like essays and ironing my uniform. It's 1 a.m., I'm not sleepy, been waking up late for the weekend, late on a Friday again. A messy week, not messed up.

I stand by my opinion that I have to enjoy my life, while it lasts. Teen years should be fun and full of discovery, yet maturity beckons me everytime I see an adult. Time well spent was to talk to my grandparents, in a casual way and not discussing some serious matter. It was all fun but at that moment, something struck me.

Now I'm responding to a schoolmate's message the other day. He said he's contemplating suicide and has run away and done stuff. Being easily influenced, yes, I once contemplated suicide but never to an extreme. My surroundings made me think. I have a family, a stable one and I'm grateful for it. I know my roots and the people that I think can be relied on.

Disappointed. Disappointed. Disappointed. 3 reasons. 1 because of thee results. Not my fault really, never blamed myself. 2 because of people who currently have messy lives but how I wished they looked at the good and brighter side of it. Patience and Pacing is key. I try not to go into violence unless the situations asks for it. 3 because I always feel guilty about small events in the day like wasting time and not focusing. It gets me everytime but hey once I get it corrected, it feels good.

Prom last week was messy. Partially my fault. I would like to see more initiative. I think we are there in teamwork. Still, it's okay coz nobody said it was going to be easy.

Come to think of it, haha, how I wished I could have told this to him and advised her more on that. How to approach them for this and do I have the guts for that.

Oh guys, why don't you just leave me alone. I just want to be wacky me and nothing serious. I'm just tired.

You know, nobody said you had to understand my blog. No, I don't wish to talk about this.

written on 14th August 2005 with apologies to the masses

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 1:00:00 AM

A summary for every-day.
"What a beautiful morning." I tell myself everyday.
"What?!? 6 hours with my family back home!" I tell myself after a shagged day in school.
"Dang! Woke up late again." I tell myself on bad mornings.
"What's up with me?" I ask myself everynight.
"No way am I gonna finish this homework tonight." I tell myself when fatigue at midnight sets in.

The optimistic me. Trying very hard in life. Trying to amend my past mistakes. Telling myself not to repeat them and to forego them. Always thinking about the folks back home. Annoyed at the people who has not moved on. Learning from people who took it the hard way. Listening to opinions and comments about myself. Looking at how other people behave. Finally, loving myself everyday because I have everything that I've ever wanted.

This past week my body has been very weak. Statement to support it: I slept from 9pm tp 6am on Wednesday night. From Monday and all throughout the week I gave my body some rest and slept an hour earlier coz I was down with the flu and sore throat. Now my body thanked my for that. I'm okay now.

Right now I can't wait for National Day because I can finally ride free on my blades on the lanes of East Coast Park. Blades plus family and the beach plus food equals to bliss and no, I've not made any calculation errors. Yay, till then, we'l see what happens.

Wow, prom. A rollercoaster for me. The planning has not been a smooth-sailing ride but it's going along just fine. Fine is a good thing for now as I have to concentrate on the exams as well but SUPER is what I expect from all the planning and negotiations. Come to think of it, it all began with a dream.

Okay Who's Line is it Anyway? is up next. Goodbye for now.

P.S. Charlie and the Chocolate factory was great in terms of colour, creativity and moral values. Oh the script was a big miss and the humour was dry. Nothing to be happy about, not even Johnny Depp. Sad I tell ya. He looked almost fake smiling like that.

written on 7th August 2005

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 11:41:00 PM

I would say this is the end of a stressful but good week. Although I miss my cousins, I will see them in 2 weeks time. Argh, the wait is killing me. NDP@ Pasir Ris beach, such bliss, with FOOD! Sun(or rain), sand and the sea. Time to do beach cleaning again.

All through the week been thinking about Councillor Investiture performance for the sec 1. Last minute idea again, but its good. Funky BEP song and not like the Hakka. 2hrs of brainstorming in the middle of the night. Unbelievable. I'm just happy that I was able to do my part and that the rehearsals went well. That, I must thank the sec 1s for co-operating. Must understand that it's not easy working with juniors. Age gap, wahaz.

Friday was madness. Decided to skip Ace Maths last minute coz felt too tired and my brain went jelly. Actually was not confident to sit for Graph test. Chat with James Ow and Diena. I wonder when these e3 guys will stop their teasing people upside-down-inside-out. Since sec1 and its super mean. Fun, but mean, err oh well. I also had to meet Mr Siva, luckily he had to leave early to we had a chat instead of a long meeting. Last part was the Dialogue session which totally cleared my brain and waxed my ears. Actually it killed my throat coz I was already sounding hoarse after investiture rehearsal and had to emcee. Thanks again to Fitrah's mum for giving us a lift. The Black Beau was much appreaciated. Oh when can i get to drive???? One more thing, I want to pass Amaths test soooo badly every week. Darn application.

So sad, me left in a boys island and the girls all planning stuff without me. Urgh. I always have to sit with boys in my final year. Primary school wasn't a bed of roses with Jonathan Tan. You were lucky I was the only girl who was able to tolerate your arrogance. Back to cliques, I don't have any.

I wanna watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Iman as well as visit the new National Library. It's gonna be a blast. Poor kid, seems so sad. I'm so busy, Adi so ignorant, Mom and Dad tired already. So it's your big sister to the rescue. Everytime I look at Iman, reminds me of latchkey kids.

Graduation Dinner & Dance is in the works. Once the $$$ starts flowing, I'm back in business. Money talks and we're cashless.

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Peace out, A-town. Err wadeva.
written on 31st July 2005

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 10:53:00 AM

This week was definitely faster than last week. That was such a drag I forced myself to school every morning.

Speaking of mornings, I like my mornings fast, with me walking at max. speed and looking at the clouds. Then I would go people watching at the MRT to kill time and to look at their stone-faced expressions. I would also go fashion-policing and look at work clothes and school uniforms. Okay, maybe I'm bored in the mornings but yeah, that's something quirky to do.

Shall try to make this post less serious as I tend to be a bit emotional or stressed up while posting. I'm actually waiting for my Milo to cool and make time to blog so at least my frequent cousin bloggers out there know I'm actively blogging. I also anticipate their posts and we talk about our entries when we meet up. Actually it's nice to know that they are fine or try to comfort them when there's problems.

I love Polar...and fruit cakes. I wish I could bake but my oven has been down for quite some time. I guess my mom feels sad about it as she kept talking about it then. Darn, my cousins can cook and I'm way behind. Still I rawk at cleaning the house and that's my strong point. See, you just can't compare some people coz we're all different. What I know for sure is that my blood dislikes maths as we find them illogical. Actually there's nothing illogical about maths because they have all been proven, just that we fail to understand the maths behind it. Haha. Then being event organisers and actively participating in events just runs in the family. My aunts and uncles are just so active and talented, I really like their enery. Then there are cousins who goes for rock-climbing. You go -girl! I enjoy rock-climbing too and would be rearing to go and climb.

Yes, yes, Family this and that. I would also like to congratulate Nur Iman Bin Rahmat for winning 3rd in the SSC/PA Mini Soccer tournament on 17th July. He was a great defender (just like his dad, brother and sister) and really did us all proud.

Okay now breaktime is over! Back to the books and my Milo. Can't wait to be released out of this time-capsule as it's sooo monotonous. Good night.

written on 24th July 2005

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 8:42:00 PM

I am not me right now. So it feels weird to be around people whom I seem to trust but doubt it. Maybe my heart is not opening up to the positive vibes around the school.

Oh yeah, school, school, school. I wonder why I'm always waiting for the weekends to finish up all my work and to right what was wronged.

I need to be alone, maybe I have always been alone. See my cliques? I don't think so. That's why I will always have my family, I don't know about you.

When I blade, I know I'm me. I know I'm free. Roaming in the streets is what I've always been doing. Just exploring my not-so-plain neighbourhood. Ain't Yishun just great!

Yes it's my nature to do the things that I do. I'm finding a way to command respect and have won some hearts along the way. I must credit these good natured people because they are the ones who are seldom under the spotlight. People watched by many are always criticised and their small acts taken seriously. I think it's just me, sometimes I don't like to be seen as the geek in the canteen. Getting some weird stares here and there, all behind their pretend faces. Hah, I just don't want to be the victim of my environment. So express on.

Girls, girls. Why have you become so stuck up and proud. Your skirts aren't just mini, they're bum-huggingly tight. So what are you trying to highlight here? All I see are desperate, low-self esteemed wankers trying to top the gossip chart, in my opinion. Talk intelligently, be brave and have confidence my dear.

Before I end, I would like everyone to stop, look and listen. Sometimes, someone is not feeling right in class and feels like quitting. Only her positive self tells her to fight on. She needs help and support. Looks like others too. Competing and helping out are two-separate games. Be a sport and help each other out. I believe we're all strong fighters.

written on 15th July 2005

Siti Suhaila was inspired on 10:25:00 PM